A Wish for Emelia

One of my wishes for my daughter and my four nieces is that they escape the pressure to be perfect that seems to be bearing down on girls these days. I guess the pressure has been bearing down since the dawn of feminism. Women are expected to be perfectly independent, smart, pretty, feminine, strong, and sexy people-pleasers, nurturers, bacon-winners, homemakers, and vixens. We're expected to shatter the gender barriers by doing it all, being all things to everyone. And we often feel (or are made to feel) inadequate and ashamed when we don't live up to it.

My wish for Emelia to escape this pressure currently manifests itself in an aversion to princesses and overtly girly things. Since before Emelia's birth, my plea to anyone who would listen has been "No princesses. No ruffles. No lace. No girly girl stuff." I will not discourage her if she chooses these things when she's old enough to do so, but I can't bring myself to go there before she chooses it. I realize these things are basically innocuous, but they stand for something that worries me. I'm afraid of her feeling pigeon-holed by the more radical commercial and societal definitions of gender and femininity. I don't want her to dislike things about herself or to force herself to be things she's not just to fit into the stereotype of what a woman should be. My fears are much like those of the author the article "What's Wrong with Cinderella" from the NY Times Magazine. This article prompted this post, but not my thoughts on this matter.

All this said, I realize that role models and parents probably have more to do with a girl's reaction to these pressures and stereotypes than the marketplace does. My daughter and nieces have strong role models in mothers, aunts, grandmothers and family friends who have made all kinds of different choices, but who are interesting, independent, strong, smart and beautiful women. Most have chosen pieces of the stereotype to accept or reject, and many of us have gotten over the pressure to be what society tells us to be and have just decided to be ourselves. That's all I wish for Emelia and my nieces. To just be happy with who they are and to make choices that are right for them, rather than what they think they are expected to choose based on societal pressure and gender stereotypes.

The good news is that, as I watch my nieces grow and become their own people, I realize that I probably don't have that much to worry about for Emelia. Acacia, my oldest niece, is ten going on twenty. She's a self-professed mother hen to her siblings and mother, and she seems to see the stereotypes for what they are. She likes dressing up and looking sophisticated, but she's already got her own sense of style that doesn't always conform to standards. Think Andie in "Pretty in Pink" or Rory in "The Gilmore Girls."

Branwyn, the next eldest (pictured here with Emelia) is eight and about as sassy and independent as can be. She does her own thing, whether that's play with dolls or go snowboarding. I'm not even sure she's aware of the stereotypes yet, but I suspect that, if she is, she doesn't care about them (and, if she isn't, she won't care about them when she becomes aware of them). She strikes me as being on her way to becoming a Lara Croft (Tomb Raider).

Lauren is four and too young to be aware of the stereotypes, but I suspect she'll embrace or reject what she chooses, when the time comes. She's not going to let anyone tell her what to do or what she should be. She's sassy and funny and pretty aware of her own charm and good looks. She's an imp in an angel costume, and, for this reason, I see her as working her way toward being something like one of the modern Charlie's Angels. Probably the Cameron Diaz character, since she's such a ham.

And finally, there's Leynie. The youngest at three. She's a tomboy who loves to wear dresses, and she loves the princesses, but she doesn't seem to be internalizing any of the pressure or negative stereotypes that I fear the princesses inspire. She's fearless and good natured, and she'll try anything. She runs like a gazelle and laughs like a hyena. She's intrepid. She's Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I hope they all continue to be utterly who they are, and I really look forward to knowing the women they become. I hope adolescence isn't too hard on any of them . . . .

By the way, I recognize the contradiction of using pop culture references to describe my nieces in a post that's expressing concern about pop culture and commercialization. I was (and continue to be) exposed to pop culture. I'm not anti-pop-culture, just concerned that the young girls I love not become wrapped up in it to the point where they lose themselves.